Thursday, June 3, 2010

Weigh-in Wednesday (on Thurs.): Week 1 of many...

urghhhhhhhhhhhh........Can I get a swift kick in the ass please? Pretty please? Actually hovering near 74, when not so long ago I had broken down into 72ish territory. The kick in the ass should be applied to my entire life actually. Where I had written a week or so ago about a big change being imminent, said change is slowly fading into the background as living to work returns to our household. Am I an emotional eater? Likely. And a binger too.

I feel a bit vacant lately and whistful and nostalgic. I want to do something about our lives but am not quite sure how to go about it. I know many people that have made conscious decisions to improve their lives, their quality of life, have made a plan, stuck to the plan and succeeded. My problem is that I don't really know what it is that I want. Though I do know what I don't want: Chasing a carrot.

My dear Russian friend gave me some good advice recently, to continue on as before but to work toward the moment of change, which would take place on a set date, during our visit in Montenegro. Here we would be free from the daily humdrum and struggles, with a mind open to change and in an environment that envelops us in love. I like it. She also recommended a book that she was reading: Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. Oh, I also came across this book called something like, From Couch to 10k. Ever heard of it?

But I don't know that I can continue on for another month in this state of absentmindedness (is that a word?), on "hold", stuck in my self-created purgatory. Send me your recommendations on life-changing reading material. I'm all ears. Maybe I need to crack open my dusty Bible too...

Sorry, this post was meant to be inspirational! Ok, here's some inspiration: An old friend and blog reader has recently hit the 50 pound mark in weight loss. Way to go Mel! Another friend Michelle is also doing well. Though she doesn't have as much weight to lose, it's the lifestyle change I believe she's after...a healthier, better balanced her. Well if these stories aren't enough to get me going, what is?

In the meantime, somebody needs to get off her ass. That's me.


Michelle said...

Ah Jenn, so sorry to hear about your rough time. I really do understand the "rut" you're in with life, hence our big move to a strange town to start all over. Yes we're military and everyone expects many moves for families like us but the reality in Steven's trade is that he could have served out the majority of his career here in this sleepy town if he'd wanted to. But we recognized the need for change and as time went on it became apparent that that change was a necessity for our happiness and our family life. So we made the big decision, put in the request and are now pulling up strong roots in a province we love, taking the children away from family, friends and all they know, all because we truly feel the quality of our life slipping. Its not easy - in fact its downright frightening - but sometimes a change is the only answer.
I also understand your frustration on the weight thing, I too have hit a bit of a wall. It seems my life has been usually hectic lately so the working out part of my life had taken a back seat to so many other things. However, I am choosing to look at it in a positive way. I am realizing the good changes I have made and have not compromised on - like eating breakfast, having regular meals and choosing walking over driving as often as possible. I have taken control and learned so much from my new lifestyle I have adopted. I too am so inspired by Melanie and her wonderful accomplishments, and I thank you for considering my changes a good influence as well. Remember that you are an inspiration for us as well, we love following you on your journey through life and are always, always rooting for you from all corners of the world.
Much love,

Mon said...

setting your heart towards a specific date can inspire hope, but i find that if it's aboutlooking at that date as 'when my life starts' can be a perfect way to procrastinate further. AND, if that date doesn't deliver, you're back in a worse rut sometimes.

i kept putting the date of moving into our home as the date i'll start doing something about my weight. that worked, NOT.

fortunately, i refused to use the same date for 'when i'll start being creative'. because there would be room in the house, etc etc.

not waiting has meant that i laid a brilliant foundation to now be doing larger art, and other things.

small steps, tiny details.... they all add up. and that set date might be best utilised with some sort of foundation.

don't wait for your life to start.... because it's already happening.

Den said...

Hey Jenn! Feeling for you hun...

From my experience, the harder you 'try' to kick yourself into gear, the less likely it is to happen. Sometimes the spaces, the waiting, the wondering is necessary... It's like gardening - you can 'will' a seed to grow but until you have given it the right environment, food, water & time it simply WON'T flourish, no matter how frustrated you get or how much you urge it!

I raved about Eat, Pray, Love on my blog so you know how much I love that book - but the 'answer' is probably not in a book, it's likley within you. When I think about how we got here, we focused on the lifestyle things we wanted: more time together, a slower pace, less stress... I never imagined that I would be running a campsite! If we had waited for the details of our life to be mapped out it would never have happened probably.

You are resourceful, you have the answers, just give yourself a break, find some space (and I mean head space too) to find your way. It will come...

Enjoy what your feeling (however unsettled!) - it's the early stage of a new adventure!

PS: Still stuck at 64 - just not my time yet to lose those last 4 kilos...

Melanie said...

Thank You so much for your kind words! It really means alot!
We all know it's not an easy battle (it took me 15 years), but I honestly feel that no matter what you read,no matter how bad you KNOW what you should/shouldn't be only happens when you feel it inside. Inside your head, and inside your heart.
I know personally that I wanted to do this for a very long time. And I tried without sucess more times than I could count!
But it hit me after Christmas when I was so down because of my weight, that I honeslty felt in my head, that I didn't want to continue my relationship that I am in. I thought it was all him. But I soon realized that it was actually me. I didn't want to go out anywhere, because I didn't have anything to wear. I didn't want to be intimate ( sorry if TMI)
because I couldn't understand how he could even want to. It came down to the point where I couldn't even understand how he could love me...and when he said he did, I felt gross and disgusted, and thought he wasn't telling me the truth.
I also felt I had to do it for my kids. I had very little energy. And I wanted to be able to keep up with them!
I said that after Christmas, this was going to be something that I was going to do for myself. To make myself happy. I feel sometimes when you become a mom, you tend to put your own needs/wants on the back burner. I had to change that. And that for me isn't easy.
My 3 year old Gemma, cries at night, when I leave for the gym, do I feel guilty? Of course I do. But I know she is fine, home with her Daddy and Brother. So I go anyway.
It would be easier to give up sometimes. Like now it's getting warmer, and we are BBQ'ing, and taking the kids for ice cream....the test are always in my face. But I have wanted this since before high school. And I know how being heavy effects me, so I know that this is going to be something I will battle for the rest of my life. I will always have to exercise. And I will always have to wathc what I eat, but it is worth it to me.
I enjoy getting out by myself. Even if it is just to go to the gym, or for a walk!!
Jenn, I know how strong you are...and I know that when you are ready, you will overcome this obstacle. It isn't easy, and there aren't any quick fixes (well that work anyway) But I know that this is something you can do!
Thank You for mentioning me in your blog! That brought tears to my eyes!

Hyacynth said...

The weight on your heart when in a rut sometimes feels like a million pounds. I can relate. When I'm in a rut, I list my blessings first. I consciously ponder, remember and give thanks for what I do have. As I've aged, I've learned also that sometimes I cannot just hop out of a circumstance and get myself out of the rut. When I'm in a sitaution where it's going to take time, I often will focus some of my energy on trying to meet a need for someone who is having a harder time than I am. It helps me to remember that even though I'm in a yucky rut, there are yuckier places I could be stuck. Plus, helping other people really helps lifts my spirits in a more permanent way.
Books? Get Out of That Pit by Beth Moore and I love reading David's story in the old testament. Now there's a guy who is really in a pit and handles it in a great way. 1 and 2 Samuel chronicle David's life -- mountains and valleys.

SwedishJenn said...

@Michelle: Thank you so much for sharing your story of change with us. It's great that you were able to move out of your comfort zone and take the plunge, as a family. That's just it, isn't it? Comfort zone. We can so easily fall into a stagnant routine in life (can spend a lifetime in it) and weight loss requires change, big change, a change in mentality, in lifestyle.

@Mon: As usual, I was waiting for you. And you never dissapoint when it comes to the tough stuff, do you? I was actually referring to you, Den and a few others when I spoke about people I know who have made huge changes in life, ie. the move to Monty. I guess I should also add myself in there. We've done it many times before. But we've always had the door open. We've never actually had to build the door ourselves. Words of Wisdom from my Guru (I need to keep a running list): don't wait for your life to start.... because it's already happening.

@Den: I guess that is one thing I have never done, left myself "open", even for an hour or so to ponder, contemplate, wonder, question or just sit with it. Which is why I think yoga/meditation would work for me...well maybe not with the ADHD and all..ha! Hubby and I do need to sit down and map out these lifestyle wishes. Because I'll tell ya, our current path is leading more towards heart attack/stress/anxiety than it is towards lazy beach days sippin' on fruity drinks (not that this is necessarily what we're after...hubby would likely go stir crazy after a couple months). Really looking forward to picking up Eat,Pray, Love!

@Melanie: Now you're bringing a tear to my eye with your courageous and honest story! I am with you: I too will always have to battle. But I hear ya, when you're in "that place", it feels GREAT. I was there for 2.5 years and I'm just itching to feel it in my heart and in my mind again, like you said. "Insanity is doing the same thing every time and expecting different results." or something like that. And I need to make a break from routine. Really shake it and myself up. Go to the gym or for a walk, regardless of who is crying or needing me. Say no to that ice cream bar, instead of caving just because I'm treating everyone else. And there is no TMI between bloggy buddies dear friend! And I know exactly what you mean. The days of me running through the house half naked have been replaced with lights off for sex. Not fun, for him or for me. And it's about loving yourself first so you can let him love you. You must be enjoying rediscovering yourself, your partner and your kids again. You are a real inspiration Melanie. This will not be the last time I mention you in my blog :-). I was beyond thrilled when I read your facebook status yesterday.

P. Hentermine said...

I think you have got exhausted totally to reduce your weight. Be motivated and do again.

SwedishJenn said...

@Hyacynth: Some great advice indeed. Will also be opening the Great Book very soon.

@P. Hentermine: You're bang on. And today was a GOOD day. Totally stayed on track and planning some fitness after the kid goes to zzzzz land.