Facing a Fear, Notebook in Hand

As you've likely gathered by now, I'm not a controversial kinda gal. My blog posts don't fan the fiery flames of heated debate nor do they take on taboo subjects or express my "stand" on "the issues". Some of this is due to the fact that I'm pretty simple..ha! The other part of it is: I fear conflict of any sort.

I would much rather bitch about my gripes, or gripe about my bitches, to my hubby or anyone other than the person it's actually directed at. I am so awesome at telling someone off, just so long as I'm not actually telling the someone. But today, I had to face down my fear. I had to openly confront someone about an issue that's been plaguing myself and our family for far too long. I had to take a stand. I had to be honest, even if it meant an argument. Even if it meant the person not liking me (gasp).

It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life. I knew this day was coming and when I was finally "called out", there was no backing down. I agonized, I lost sleep, I wrote about it and I even wrote out my "speech".

I thought to myself, "Self, you need some notes. Go in prepared. You won't get a second chance." And I went searching for a notebook, some paper, anything I could take in with me as the rifle for my ammunition, or the other way around. Or maybe it's the bag that holds the rifle that's loaded with ammunition. Meh...

Do you remember my post about The Notebook? Well, back in October, hubby bought me a beautiful bright fushia, leather-bound notebook at an exclusive shop in London. It's so beautiful both physically and as the symbol of his support of my writing. It has sat, carefully wrapped in its original packaging, untouched. I couldn't bring myself to soil its gilded pages.

Nothing I could ever write seemed good enough for this notebook.

Until today. Today, I didn't hesitate. The fact that I couldn't for the life of me find anything to write on was a sign. Finally, I had something worth writing and committing for all eternity to those featherweight pages.

The Notebook came in with me. It sat next to me. And although I barely glanced at it, it gave me courage and strength to say what needed to be said and to do what needed to be done, regardless of the consequences.

And I didn't cry. I came close but I didn't cry.

I managed to express myself clearly and I think, I might have won this battle. But even if time proves that I didn't, I conquered my fear of confrontation and my fear of The Notebook.

Today was a good day. Last night was a haze of red wine and excess carbs. More on that later..

Weigh-in Wednesday: Week 6 of 10

The time is flying and my weight is at a virtual standstill. Knocked off one more pound though...so down 5lbs, around 2.5 kilos at 74. I haven't really been cheating, just haven't been eating breakfast or exercising much. I blame this on my life recently.

Change is imminent. It's on the horizon. I can feel it, I'm yearning for it but at the same time, I'm procrastinating and avoiding it. I need a heavy dose of self-help books is what I need. Or some zen-like guru to tell me exactly how to initiate the change me and my family need right now. Or some inspired bloggy friend. Any takers?

My husband has been working hard and that's saying a lot cuz he's a hard worker to begin with. He has been putting almost every ounce of his being into this little company of ours, as have I recently, and it's taking its toll. If hard work and sacrifice equaled success, we'd be living in some tropical paradise with a Pina Colada slave watching the little one frolick in the waves until his tutor came around for his daily lessons. And by success, I mean some measure of financial freedom.

We are caught up in a vicious "living to work" cyclone, working and waiting and praying for "the big break". But chasing this rainbow (bad analogy, it's not as impossible as a rainbow), has cast a dark cloud over our lives. Luckily, we're a team so lightning hasn't struck the ground between us. But still, it's decision time. It's time to change our lives for the better. I know it needs to be done. I just have no idea how to do it. Or what that first step should be. Or if I have the courage.

Sorry, it's Weight Loss Wednesday and I'm griping about a shit storm and rainbows.

Sigh...

What's holding you back, if anything? And how have you changed your lifestyle or LIFE for the better? Please share. I need that one kernel of wisdom that will give me what Oprah calls an "AHAAA moment".
SJ

Toddlerisms Volume 1

I was inspired by Hyacynth's recent post with her favourite toddlerisms from vacay. I really did LOL. And I found myself LOLing at our little boy an awful lot this week and thinking, "I gotta write that down." Here are a few special ones:

Mommy says something to the man in Swedish. Little man responds matter-of-factly in a DUH-tone, "Mamma, you're a Mamma, not a kid!" In other words, don't speak my language.

Said when I do something funny: "Mamma, you're crazy." That's pretty accurate.

"Mamma, are you happy?" Now that's deep.

"The chasm of dead." It's the chasm of death actually. Quote from Ice Age 3.

"Mamma, be a pig please." Oh, well, if you insist. Wanting my hand to assume the Pig hand puppet and proceed talking out of the corner of my mouth in my best Pig voice.

"Dada, do you want my new iPhone?" Translation: I want to play with your new iPhone, get my snotty hands all over the screen and get you sick right before your business trip this week.

"Mamma, LOOK! It's a BIG one." Pointing at whatever he just evacuated into the toilet bowl. I know...ewwwwww, but still funny.

"Mamma FARTED!" Uhmmmm...no, I most certainly did NOT fart. That was you/the washing machine/INSERT appliance/lay blame.

I just know I'm forgetting some killer quotes but will save them for Volume 2.

Somewhere warm?

Ahhhh...wouldn't that be nice. Yesterday, the little man and I went puddle jumping all the way to the park. He had his snowsuit on but with the sun shining and a balmy 5 degrees, he could have gone with his rain suit and should have. His winter boots are NOT waterproof, as evidenced by me having to wring them out when we got home. Spring was on its way...hooray! We could see the grass and realized we have a deck in our front yard.

Today, it started to snow. Bucket loads. It "blizzarded" (made that up) all day long. Just when I was ready to pack away the winter gear, the snow is now back to knee deep. In my hometown in Nova Scotia, it was 20 degrees yesterday and apparently people were sporting shorts.

But I say it's "Out like a lion" here in Uppsala. Only because I have to believe that next weekend we'll be puddle jumping again.

And in a few short months we'll be heading to a REAL summer in Montenegro. C'mon JULY!