Friday, March 26, 2010

Facing a Fear, Notebook in Hand

As you've likely gathered by now, I'm not a controversial kinda gal. My blog posts don't fan the fiery flames of heated debate nor do they take on taboo subjects or express my "stand" on "the issues". Some of this is due to the fact that I'm pretty simple..ha! The other part of it is: I fear conflict of any sort.

I would much rather bitch about my gripes, or gripe about my bitches, to my hubby or anyone other than the person it's actually directed at. I am so awesome at telling someone off, just so long as I'm not actually telling the someone. But today, I had to face down my fear. I had to openly confront someone about an issue that's been plaguing myself and our family for far too long. I had to take a stand. I had to be honest, even if it meant an argument. Even if it meant the person not liking me (gasp).

It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life. I knew this day was coming and when I was finally "called out", there was no backing down. I agonized, I lost sleep, I wrote about it and I even wrote out my "speech".

I thought to myself, "Self, you need some notes. Go in prepared. You won't get a second chance." And I went searching for a notebook, some paper, anything I could take in with me as the rifle for my ammunition, or the other way around. Or maybe it's the bag that holds the rifle that's loaded with ammunition. Meh...

Do you remember my post about The Notebook? Well, back in October, hubby bought me a beautiful bright fushia, leather-bound notebook at an exclusive shop in London. It's so beautiful both physically and as the symbol of his support of my writing. It has sat, carefully wrapped in its original packaging, untouched. I couldn't bring myself to soil its gilded pages.

Nothing I could ever write seemed good enough for this notebook.

Until today. Today, I didn't hesitate. The fact that I couldn't for the life of me find anything to write on was a sign. Finally, I had something worth writing and committing for all eternity to those featherweight pages.

The Notebook came in with me. It sat next to me. And although I barely glanced at it, it gave me courage and strength to say what needed to be said and to do what needed to be done, regardless of the consequences.

And I didn't cry. I came close but I didn't cry.

I managed to express myself clearly and I think, I might have won this battle. But even if time proves that I didn't, I conquered my fear of confrontation and my fear of The Notebook.

Today was a good day. Last night was a haze of red wine and excess carbs. More on that later..

14 comments:

Den said...

Wow Jenn. Good on you hun. This was clearly a big deal and you should be proud... Now there will be no stopping the notes in the notebook - and of course everything you write will be 'good enough'...
My whole last week has been a haze of alcohol & other bad stuff. Hubby turned 50 - I stopped exercising and started eating & drinking. I'll trump any worries you have about the next weigh-in Wednesday!!!
Hugs X

Rebecca said...

I came across your blog by accident. As a writer and the polar opposite when it comes to confrontations ;-) I commend you, too. Everything you write IS always good enough, for somebody, somewhere. People who come across your blog and read, don't always comment.

Cheers!

Rebecca

Hyacynth said...

Very proud of you for being able to talk to the person about what had been bothering you. That's not an easy step. Annnd, you are a really good writer. Just so you know. Your hubby knows, and so do we, so now we just have to convince you. :)

Mandi said...

Way to go Jenn! Congrats on conquering your fear, you must feel amazing.

Mazui said...

Congratulations on deviating from the Swedish way of walking around with a clenched fist in your pocket.

I've found that most people are willing to see your point of view and adapt, if you explain it to them in a friendly manner.

So a confrontation doesn't necessarily have to be something to fear.

Tod said...

Just advance.

Mon said...

I'm speechless (I know... now YOU'RE speechless b/c I am LOL)
Just knowing how much you hate confrontation. This is so.... great. See, lost for words. :D

I so admire not backing down and doing what you had to do. Feel the fear and do it anyway sort of thing.

And how cool that it got you to write in your lovely notebook.
Writing down thoughts really truly helps, as you've see for yourself. So hopefully this has got you started on recording thoughts, expelling emotions... all of it.

SwedishJenn said...

Holy crap guys. Thanks for all the support here! God love yas!

@Den: I'm thinking of taking a one week hiatus from Weigh-In Wednesdays. But I won't, no matter what that scale screams back at me. Sometimes we just need to let loose...even if it means devouring everything in sight. ha!

@Rebecca: What a pleasant accident! Thanks for reading and for commenting and for some encouraging words.

@Hy: I fear you may never convince me of that but I appreciate the thumbs up nonetheless :-)

@Mandi: I DO feel pretty amazing, thanks!

@Mazui: I love your practicality. Something tells me you always approach a problem with a level-head.

@Tod: Huh? As in, "move forward"?

@Mon: LOL! Can't believe the cat got your tongue but I surprised myself too. And it felt good to defile The Notebook :-). I know how much you love a good notebook.

Tod said...

Yes. i meant to say something really memorable!

Mazui said...

>> Something tells me you always approach a problem with a level-head.

Yes, I'm a real flathead. :)

怡如 said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

Won't it be easier for readers to comment if the comment chart were in pop up form? :P

SwedishJenn said...

@Anon: Not sure what you mean. Can you please explain?

Anonymous said...

Setting/comments/comment form placement. In there you’ll find your current setting as “Embedded blow post” if you choose “Pop-up window” that’ll be easier for a reader to comment.
sign: A loyal reader