Monday, July 12, 2010

Dear Poolers

As you may have read, little man and I have been spending these hot summer days (in Uppsala? gasp!) at the local watering hole. for over 2 weeks (or more). It's really made the days and weeks fly by, especially since we found Joe's daycare buddy and his Mom to chum around with.

And spending nearly all day, everyday at the same location, I obviously have some observations/notes/criticisms I'd like to share with y'all (or at least document for the hell of it).

1. There is one microwave for the hundreds or maybe thousands (was never good at crowd estimations) of bathers. This is likely to discourage folks from bringing their own food and instead, spending the small fortune on poolside cuisine. Fk that. Little man's gourmet lunch today consisted of canned ravioli. I may be cruel enough to serve it, but definitely not cruel enough to serve it cold. So off I go to queue in the microwave line. And who is ahead of me but the lady I refer to as "the big boobed blonde with more moles than I have freckles and no ass in a leopard print bikini, a something-month old baby and a flat stomach." I hate her. And now I hate her more. Laid out on the counter are 4, count them, FOUR, scrumptious looking quiches on individual plates lined up for the microwave.

Did I mention there is 1 microwave and a queue? And each of these tasty lunch treats takes 6 minutes to COOK in the only microwave at the facility. Note for you big-boobed flat bummed moley leopard lady: The only microwave for hundreds is for warming food, NOT for cooking it. Are you mental? Is your brain blonde too?

I stood there watching quiche #2 at 4:30 as I began to give off a little heat myself. Just stick quiches 3 & 4 on my head. Your food will cook. Trust me. There she was, not a care in the world chatting away with her friend while the line-up kept growing. I swore to myself that if she dared stick another one of those pastries in that micro, I was going to step in and save the day. Fortunately, when the timer went off, she had the good sense to turn to me, grunt something inaudible in Swedish (which I took for go-ahead lady with the baby belly, stick in your canned goods).

2. Watch your kids for crying out loud. I have a mild panic attack at least 3x/day watching toddlers in harm's way while parents fail to parent. I've actually had to save one myself. Your fun poolside gabfests are gonna be cut short real quick when someone sees your child floating upside down in the water. And I did not write that last sentence lightly. This is not a joke. It only takes a minute for your world to change dramatically. Being a former lifeguard, I've witnessed it.

On a related note, if your 3ish year old boy is screaming, crying and throwing a tantrum at the thought of going down a waterslide on an innertube with you, chances are it's not such a good idea to drag him up to the top. Especially if you can't swim. And it's also an even worse idea to actually go down said waterslide. With me and my kid behind you. Because when me and my kid arrive at the spot where you have to pull yourself on a rope along to the next small drop and see both of you have fallen off your innertube and you're losing your grip on your kid, who is partially drowning...I can't do much about it. Though I was in control of my kid and my innertube at the time (as much as you can be with gushing water) so I tried to help you. But in those few seconds, it was between my kid and yours. Mine will win. By the Grace of God, some man appeared along the side of the slide to save your kid and stupid, stupid woman.

3. I've gotten a few sideways glances when my little man climbs up the hill to make a pee in the woods. How about saving your glances for the kids who warm the pool. I really do not want to think about the amount of urine I consume on a daily basis. Oh no. I just did.

Yesterday, we went to a wonderful place called SommarParken (Summer Park) near Dalarna (cottage country in Sweden and a 2.5 hour drive from Uppsala). It was soooooo much fun. Here's a not-so-flattering, (actually more flattering than me in that dress you all seemed to like) shot of me standing by the slide with little man at the bottom. I'm keepin' it real folks.

Yesterday was a total and complete write-off. It started with some pastry and ended with some candy. And in the middle there were hamburgers (no buns) but the fries made up for the bunlessness. No exercise either, unless you count the countless treks up and down hills at the waterpark with innertubes. Which is exercise, believe you me.
But today, GAME ON again. Brekky: Eggs Lunch: Sliced Ham, pickles, Cheese Supper: chicken, salad and a few carrots. Exercise: You know my drill by now. Maybe that's what there is some awkward definition in the abdominal area in the photo, which goes well with my uneven tan..ha!


septembermom said...

I would go nuts waiting in line. I want to go on that slide!!

Hyacynth said...

lol! I didn't want to think about the amount of urine I consume every day either while at the pool ... but, oh, just did. Bleck!
Also, I read an article that said Sweden is one of the happiest countries in the world. I smell a blog post from you about this topic.