Monday, June 21, 2010

Riding the Bus

The PORCELAIN BUS that is...urghhhhhhh. If you're not familiar with that reference, Google it or read on.

Saturday night! Finally, after more than 6 long months, I get let out of the cage! Hubby and I are all set to attend a 40th birthday party celebration for a dear friend. And the care of our little guy is being entrusted to two cousins of a dear friend of ours. He couldn't be in better hands...well unless those hands were familial. So, no guilt!

We get there. We sit. I consume my first plastic glass of pink wine. Big party=Cheap wine (for the most part). From a box. But tasty cheap wine. We're meeting old friends. Making new friends. I'm hugging babies, charming grandparents, laughing at jokes. Telling jokes! I'm rocking my $200 black rocker studded tank top, black tights (yup, you read that right) and high-heeled black shoe boots. I have "Mommy, you have pretty black eyes" eyes, the hair is straight, the nails are fushia. I'm killin' it. Damn, I feel good (and I knew that I would). I'm still avoiding the chocolate cake after a plate of meat. You know when you're on your like 4th glass of cheap wine and the world is your oyster? Well at least you believe it is and you've convinced yourself everyone you meet believes you believe it and they, in turn, believe in you?

And then invincible, incredible YOU polishes off a gin mixed with some form of energy drink. And you're 33 years old. You don't MIX your drinks. But amazingly, because your rocker chick outfit is obviously hiding a tight spandex unitard with the letter "S" emblazoned on the front, you are still feeling awesome with a capital A. So you head on over to the drink table and discover a bottle of VODKA. Remember the drink you said you wanted to drink before you even got to the party cuz it was lower in carbs than the rest of the drinks? And it says "Absolut", which is not-so-code for "Absolutely!" Down the hatch she goes.

And from that point on, the rest of the evening gets fuzzier and slurier (new word alert). Auto pilot quickly turns to mayday and before you know it, Miss Energetic (which was what I was voted in high school) has her chin to her chest and is silently pleading for the party to stop bloody moving. At some point, you get escorted by your "dissapointed" husband to the back of a cab with some friends. You hear voices and people directing words at you. Relief. The friends have been dropped off somewhere and you're on your way home. Minutes now. Your hubby's phone rings. It's them. They left something in the cab. You have to turn around and GO BACK. You're dying. You want to raise any part of your body in protest but you've lost the ability to move and worse, you're afraid to open your mouth.

This is the time that can be likened to the time between asking for the epidural and when the nurse arrives with the epidural. If you know what that's like.

I managed to call the girls to let them know we would be there in 30 seconds, to be ready and to say that I was in bad shape. They left. We entered. I fell into the bathroom to hug my best inanimate object friend. I shared all of my drinks with her. Actually, I gave all of them to her. Every last drop and then some. Because I'm so nice.

I can't remember the last time her and I got together. But it was a LONG ass time ago.

So you can imagine my WAJ for Saturday night and all day Sunday, right?
Saturday night was a given.
Sunday was my pity party. Actually it was also a kid's birthday party that I managed to show up for with hubby and little man in tow. Pancakes for brekky, handfuls of candy, fruit and birthday cake for lunch and spaghetti for dinner. Exercise? ha!

But today I brushed myself off. It's all about the bounce back right?
Brekky: Egg salad
Lunch: Tuna salad + Green salad
Dinner: Weiners + Green salad
Exercise: A swift kick in the arse with the Butt Blaster and Ab work-out.

Comments: She may have been down for a day but she's back. And I feel like an idiot. 33 years old, married, mother, stepmother, pillar of the community (k, that's not true), and the next morning I wake up to find my clothes scattered around the house and a bathroom that needs cleaning and a "dissapointed husband" (like he's never been there...ha!) and spotted, somewhat embarassing, memories of my big evening out. LOL.


sapphire said...

This is why Sweden should ban the wine in a box. It's dangerous stuff. And unacceptably gross (though sometimes tasty sweet).

Hope you won't be needing the glory of the throne anytime soon.

Michelle said...

Hahahaha, oh girlfriend you make me laugh! Mostly because I've been there myself, and rather recently. About two years ago a great friend and I realized our kids were older and decided we had earned some regular "girls nights" just for us Mommies. We mangaged to go out in large groups several times before we began to realize our recovery time was slower than it used to be and we were spending far too many Sunday mornings with our best friends made of porceline! (did I spell that right?) Then one fateful night I somehow thought that one more shot of tequila was in order on the way out the door and within an hour was being escorted back home by my slightly embarassed husband after being "asked" to leave by the bar- tender of our local Dooleys. True story. After a two day, very painful recovery, I decided I am far too old to be carrying on like I'm 19 so now I just stick to a single beer and stop as soon as my nose tingles.
Your story was awesome, sorry to hear the night ended so early for you but sounds like you were rocking the place and that's GREAT!!! Your hard work is really paying off!

Den said...

Laghing my ass off... You should be a stand up comidenne girlfriend!!! X

Hyacynth said...

I think you need to write a book or something because you make me laugh my butt off.
I'm so sorry for your misfortune with the drinks and the toilet, but I'm so glad you chose to write about it!
Hope you're feeling better. And if we're ever at a party together? I don't want you to share ANY of your drinks with me? Mkk??

SwedishJenn said...

@Michelle. Classic story. Thanks for sharing. Still laughing...
@Den. Any comedic ability I have is both a fluke and strictly confined to writing. I can't even tell a simple joke right! ha!
@Hy: I promise not to ever share my drinks ON You and I have to meet someday for a drink of expensive wine.

SwedishJenn said...

@sapphire: I love to hate wine in a box.

Rebecca said...

lol! good post. takes me back. :p

I hate vodka. Vodka hates me. I had less than a shot of it and it made me throw up. I wasn't even drunk! lol Gives me hangover feelings within an hour.

It's an allergic reaction so I was told. The only time I've been wasted and threw up was due to some vodka variation.

Could have been so in your case, I mean I've had like 12 glasses of Tom Collins in a span of two hours and was talking completely out of my ass but I never - ever threw up.

let's blame it on the vodka!

Todd said...

Way to go Jenn.
my favorite line "I shared all of my drinks with her" haha, not smirking chuckling just!
On a serious note though that was well written and hilarious. well down