Wanna buy a... toothbrush?

I am a sucker for a telemarketer, mainly because I did it once (in French) and I hated the rejection and I feel bad for those poor people. And of course, heaven forbid a virtual stranger thinks "ill" of me.

But lately, I've been fortunate. Because I live in Sweden and the telemarkers are Swedish and when I hear that quick silence on the other end before the speaking starts (a tell-tale sign of a telemarketer, where it's all auto-dial), I can simply reply, "I'm sorry, I don't speaka dee Swedish" and they get all flustered, mutter something in Swedish and promptly hang up. And back to the kitchen I go (cuz they always call around dinner time).

But not yesterday. Yesterday, I answered, I rolled my eyes while repeating my get-out-of-jail-free line and just as I was about to hang up, "Oh, you speak English? Great. Well I'm calling from Dentablah and would like to ask you a few questions about your dental hygiene habits."

Now I'm the one who's all flustered. Say what? Did you, Swedish boy, just speak in almost perfect English to me while simultaneously puncturing my balloon of impenetrability? And then I thought, meh, it's just a survey, no biggie.

From "How many times do you brush your teeth a day?": 2 to "Electric or Manual Scrub?": Both, I answered the questions with honesty, integrity and a pinch of humour. He laughed at all my jokes. I was puffed up sufficiently. So thanks for the ego-boost buddy, gotta run.

Not so fast. "As a thank you for completing this questionnaire, we would like to send you a free electric toothbrush at no charge with an extra replacement head. You are still at INSERT address?"

Wow! You mean all I had to do was talk about my oral hygiene for like 2 minutes and I get a free toothbrush? SOLD!

And here it comes: "You know, dentists recommend you change the head of your electric toothbrush every 3 months to avoid bacteria buildup." Well DUH. "We will send you a replacement head for your free electric toothbrush every 3 months."

Well GOLLY! Is it my lucky day or what? "Great, sign me up," I say while counting all the money I'll be saving on toothbrushes and wondering if I can get one in pink.

"For the low cost of 399 SEK (like 40 euro), you'll get these replacement heads shipped to your address free 3 times."

Stop. You lost me at the words "low cost".

"Great deal isn't it? So I will now start the voice recording to confirm that you have actually agreed to this....blah, blah, blah"

Mind spinning...no time to object.

Did I do it? Did I buy in? Was I duped?

You better believe it! Buddy deserved it. That company deserved it. That was some smooth talking and clever sales tactics. I mean, who backs out after all that? That company is betting on very few. I am in the majority.

He sold me. I was sold. But here's the thing: Had I not been so cleverly blindsided, I could have easily turned the tables. Actually, if I had been quicker on my feet, I could have flipped him. "I get your game. You won. But there are two adults in this house with teeth that need brushing with your revolutionary spinning toothbrush. So how about sending two toothbrushes, we go with the same deal at 400 SEK and we call er' even? Now start that recording with my amendment."

Counting the days until my one toothbrush arrives, along with the invoice, and planning to change my force field to:

"I can't hear you. Sorry, can you repeat that? What was that? You're breaking up. Where are you calling from? Bob, is that you? You lying son-of-a-B, I knew you were seeing her behind my back all along!" Click, and back to the kitchen.

Weigh-in Wednesday: Week 7 of 10

Shit. It's Week 7. And I'm up a kilo. How's that for inspiration all you Weigh-In Wednesday participants? F-word.

Wanna hear my "the dog ate my homework" excuses? Here goes, heavy drinking and eating one night last week really killed me. And then the stress of the BIG CONFRONTATION. And I've had the little man home from school all week. Just when I thought it might have been safe to send him today, barforama last night. Poor kid. But you know, what a trooper. All smiles and giggles, even whilst all congested and feverish.

Thank God I made a new friend because I had a place to get rid of the chocolate cake I bought for the company we were supposed to have over for dinner tonight. Disaster averted.

And now it's Easter Weekend. Thankfully, I'm not a choco-holic so should be able to stave off most of the temptation. The snow is melting around me and my sneakers are just waiting by the front door. Not that I couldn't/shouldn't be finding "other" ways to exercise but when you're covered in germs and the fragrant musk of "eau de vomit", exercise is the last thing on your mind. But it won't be, for long. I have a master plan (evil laugh).

How are you gonna tell off the Easter Bunny this weekend?
ps. Remind me to tell you about the "elder abuse" I witnessed at the grocery store yesterday...so sad...

You're Jennifer. You have long arms.

According to my son, I'm Jennifer because I have long arms. Not sure what's up with him pointing out how long my arms are and how short his are in comparison, or the fact that I am who I am because of my arm length but it's noteworthy.

I realized he, along with the rest of Uppsala's kids, are off school all next week (Easter break). Didn't they just have a week off like 2 months ago? Ahhh..Sweden, land of the Red Day, where every other day is a holiday it seems.

All of a sudden, I have friends. Last week, I invited some of my dearest chicks over for a long overdue girl's night. Perfect timing as hubby was away on business. Now, I don't really consider these girls "friends". More like family. We ate, we drank, we laughed, we drank, we ate. The evening ended with my loopy 35-year old friend convincing her likewise loopy 24 and 26-year old pseudo-family chicks to hit the town. Some partying and a lot of post-night barfing ensued. Apparently my "parties" are now epic.

And then, we got invited over to one of those acquaintances-we-met-at-a- mutual-friend's-party-but-where-things-never-go-past-the party-location's house for dinner last night. Just so happens they have a son a couple week's shy of our son's age. And the hubby is American. And the wife is cool and also a dear friend of the new/old neighbour friends's. I know. Too much information. But just for the record. My record.

And then...I got a text from the new/old neighbour friend asking me over for coffee today. But I got it too late and the little man is home with a fever so, it was a No Go. But still...Holy "Friends" Batman!

Could I BE ANYMORE POPULAR? Bahahaha. See what happens when you stand up for yourself? No, none of them knew about that. But maybe I'm exuding some other-worldly eau de "don't f with me" that makes everyone think I could be the schoolyard bully so they all want me on their good side. Bahahaha.

Work has piled up. I am somewhere under it. And of course, the little man is sick. But thankfully not SICK, sick. Still his happy go lucky, you-be-the-Mama-Brachiosaurus-I'll-be-the-baby-TRex-and-I-will-try-to-eat-you, self with a fever and a runny nose. I dreaded calling the school this morning. Cuz I'm scared of The School. Cuz they will ask me, "Does he have a fever?" and I will want to lie because if he does have a fever, he will need to stay home until it's gone and then one EXTRA day on top of it for good measure. And I will want to lie. But I won't. And I didn't.

So I have two press releases to write, some stupid document to serve as a foundation for all other documents, a bunch of leads to Google and a dozen other tasks. Plus, I have just been made the Master of Hubby's crazy schedule. But right now, the main task is playing hide-and-go-seek with a Spider Man costume wearing kid who only has two hiding places: under the covers of our bed or under the covers of his bed.

Facing a Fear, Notebook in Hand

As you've likely gathered by now, I'm not a controversial kinda gal. My blog posts don't fan the fiery flames of heated debate nor do they take on taboo subjects or express my "stand" on "the issues". Some of this is due to the fact that I'm pretty simple..ha! The other part of it is: I fear conflict of any sort.

I would much rather bitch about my gripes, or gripe about my bitches, to my hubby or anyone other than the person it's actually directed at. I am so awesome at telling someone off, just so long as I'm not actually telling the someone. But today, I had to face down my fear. I had to openly confront someone about an issue that's been plaguing myself and our family for far too long. I had to take a stand. I had to be honest, even if it meant an argument. Even if it meant the person not liking me (gasp).

It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life. I knew this day was coming and when I was finally "called out", there was no backing down. I agonized, I lost sleep, I wrote about it and I even wrote out my "speech".

I thought to myself, "Self, you need some notes. Go in prepared. You won't get a second chance." And I went searching for a notebook, some paper, anything I could take in with me as the rifle for my ammunition, or the other way around. Or maybe it's the bag that holds the rifle that's loaded with ammunition. Meh...

Do you remember my post about The Notebook? Well, back in October, hubby bought me a beautiful bright fushia, leather-bound notebook at an exclusive shop in London. It's so beautiful both physically and as the symbol of his support of my writing. It has sat, carefully wrapped in its original packaging, untouched. I couldn't bring myself to soil its gilded pages.

Nothing I could ever write seemed good enough for this notebook.

Until today. Today, I didn't hesitate. The fact that I couldn't for the life of me find anything to write on was a sign. Finally, I had something worth writing and committing for all eternity to those featherweight pages.

The Notebook came in with me. It sat next to me. And although I barely glanced at it, it gave me courage and strength to say what needed to be said and to do what needed to be done, regardless of the consequences.

And I didn't cry. I came close but I didn't cry.

I managed to express myself clearly and I think, I might have won this battle. But even if time proves that I didn't, I conquered my fear of confrontation and my fear of The Notebook.

Today was a good day. Last night was a haze of red wine and excess carbs. More on that later..

Weigh-in Wednesday: Week 6 of 10

The time is flying and my weight is at a virtual standstill. Knocked off one more pound though...so down 5lbs, around 2.5 kilos at 74. I haven't really been cheating, just haven't been eating breakfast or exercising much. I blame this on my life recently.

Change is imminent. It's on the horizon. I can feel it, I'm yearning for it but at the same time, I'm procrastinating and avoiding it. I need a heavy dose of self-help books is what I need. Or some zen-like guru to tell me exactly how to initiate the change me and my family need right now. Or some inspired bloggy friend. Any takers?

My husband has been working hard and that's saying a lot cuz he's a hard worker to begin with. He has been putting almost every ounce of his being into this little company of ours, as have I recently, and it's taking its toll. If hard work and sacrifice equaled success, we'd be living in some tropical paradise with a Pina Colada slave watching the little one frolick in the waves until his tutor came around for his daily lessons. And by success, I mean some measure of financial freedom.

We are caught up in a vicious "living to work" cyclone, working and waiting and praying for "the big break". But chasing this rainbow (bad analogy, it's not as impossible as a rainbow), has cast a dark cloud over our lives. Luckily, we're a team so lightning hasn't struck the ground between us. But still, it's decision time. It's time to change our lives for the better. I know it needs to be done. I just have no idea how to do it. Or what that first step should be. Or if I have the courage.

Sorry, it's Weight Loss Wednesday and I'm griping about a shit storm and rainbows.

Sigh...

What's holding you back, if anything? And how have you changed your lifestyle or LIFE for the better? Please share. I need that one kernel of wisdom that will give me what Oprah calls an "AHAAA moment".
SJ

Toddlerisms Volume 1

I was inspired by Hyacynth's recent post with her favourite toddlerisms from vacay. I really did LOL. And I found myself LOLing at our little boy an awful lot this week and thinking, "I gotta write that down." Here are a few special ones:

Mommy says something to the man in Swedish. Little man responds matter-of-factly in a DUH-tone, "Mamma, you're a Mamma, not a kid!" In other words, don't speak my language.

Said when I do something funny: "Mamma, you're crazy." That's pretty accurate.

"Mamma, are you happy?" Now that's deep.

"The chasm of dead." It's the chasm of death actually. Quote from Ice Age 3.

"Mamma, be a pig please." Oh, well, if you insist. Wanting my hand to assume the Pig hand puppet and proceed talking out of the corner of my mouth in my best Pig voice.

"Dada, do you want my new iPhone?" Translation: I want to play with your new iPhone, get my snotty hands all over the screen and get you sick right before your business trip this week.

"Mamma, LOOK! It's a BIG one." Pointing at whatever he just evacuated into the toilet bowl. I know...ewwwwww, but still funny.

"Mamma FARTED!" Uhmmmm...no, I most certainly did NOT fart. That was you/the washing machine/INSERT appliance/lay blame.

I just know I'm forgetting some killer quotes but will save them for Volume 2.

Somewhere warm?

Ahhhh...wouldn't that be nice. Yesterday, the little man and I went puddle jumping all the way to the park. He had his snowsuit on but with the sun shining and a balmy 5 degrees, he could have gone with his rain suit and should have. His winter boots are NOT waterproof, as evidenced by me having to wring them out when we got home. Spring was on its way...hooray! We could see the grass and realized we have a deck in our front yard.

Today, it started to snow. Bucket loads. It "blizzarded" (made that up) all day long. Just when I was ready to pack away the winter gear, the snow is now back to knee deep. In my hometown in Nova Scotia, it was 20 degrees yesterday and apparently people were sporting shorts.

But I say it's "Out like a lion" here in Uppsala. Only because I have to believe that next weekend we'll be puddle jumping again.

And in a few short months we'll be heading to a REAL summer in Montenegro. C'mon JULY!